It's most important advice

You don’t always have to have the right words. Actions speak louder, anyway. But if you dohave something to say, know how you say it can make a world of difference.

Make plans

You’re not the go-to guru for all answers–and you don’t have to be–but you have the power to make other things happen.

Plan a fun weekend getaway or day trip (for the budget-conscious) with your friend. Set the date in stone and make an unforgettable memory. People often find answers for themselves when they get away, let themselves relax, and clear their head for a while.

Say it from the heart

Another option is to be there with kindness instead of words. This is a good approach if you’ve already offered advice on the problem, and realize not much you say will help.

Leave a hand-written “thinking of you” card in that person’s mailbox or mail them a package with some sweet treats and light reads. Sometimes people just need to remember their problem isn’t the end of the world, and there are lots of other good things in their life.

Recommend a read

When you make the proactive decision to find answers for yourself, you feel both empowered and confident in your ability to make the right decision. You can help your friend feel that way by pointing him in the direction of a few books that will help him help himself.

He’ll feel much better himself after gaining a new insight through reading than he will after sitting through a lecture. Start by saying, “I came across something that might help put things in perspective…”

Don’t make promises

Even if you’ve been there before, you can’t guarantee any specific outcome. Your friend could approach her boss exactly like you did for a raise, and end up being demoted–at which point she might blame you.

Keep expectations realistic by focusing on possibilities within the realm of uncertainty. If you tell your sister to take a risk, make sure she knows it is a risk. Help her weigh the possible outcomes, both positive and negative so she can decide if it’s worth the potential reward.

Offer long-term support

Your sister doesn’t want just a list of ways to break up with her boyfriend; she wants help finding the courage to do it and get through it. Your friend doesn’t just want tips to switch careers; she wants support in making a scary but positive change.

It doesn’t matter so much that you have all the answers. More often that not, people know what’s right for them; they just want to feel validated and supported.

Make it a collaboration

It can feel gratifying to figure out what seems like the answer, and then deliver it in a sermon. It’s like being a good advice detective when you figure out exactly what someone should or can do–and you feel even better when you can put it all into words eloquently.

But this can also come off as superiority, which probably isn’t your intention. Try, “I don’t have all the answers, but I’d love to help you figure out what’s right for you.” Whenever you’ve talked for a few minutes, bring it back to them. “What are your thoughts about that?”